- That the Internet makes it possible for us to have friends we've never met.
- That a lot of people genuinely want to know how the boy's coming along.
Saturday, 14 June 2008
Recovering Tom's Insanity
Saturday, 12 January 2008
It's Not Easy Being an Infidel
An event company books a bloody great big cruise liner. It then sells space on the ship to companies who want to put their proposition in front of important people. These places cost around £10,000 a go. The event company then invites captains of industry for a four day cruise, all expenses paid, entertainment and alcohol abuse thrown in. The captains of industry merely have to consent to a 15 minute interview with the people who've paid for the jolly.
Food and fine wine play a large part in this, especially the latter. In fact fine may be the wrong adjective. Copious might be more apt.
Mohammed, as his name suggests, is Muslim, and therefore forbidden to purchase alcohol. I, on the other hand, am some undefined form of agnostic. It's perfectly reasonable therefore to regard my soul as doomed anyway. So I was asked along to fulfil the role of disposable infidel.
Dinner each evening was a black tie affair, accompanied by several bottles of a certain age. It was my job to do the corporate entertaining. Now I am to heavy drinking what Paul Schofield is to Up Pompeii. The small hours each night saw me strolling calmly back to the cabin to which Mohammed retired at a sober ten o'clock. Most nights I was OK as long as no one trod on my hands.
Then comes the Saturday night gala party. Oh no. By 10 o'clock, Mo's outline is already becoming unfocused. He stands and politely takes his leave. I stand and politely knock sherry trifle into my neighbour's lap. "Oi! Garcon! Encore de bleedin' vino ici, pronto! Comprende?"
At 04.30, having impressed everyone with my witty urbanities, profound social insight and stale knock-knock jokes, I make for the cabin. Note to ship designers: bad move to make all the corridors look the same. And if people don't lock their doors I can't be blamed for getting into bed with them. Finally finding the one containing the right sleeping Asian I stumble into bed. Unconsciousness rises to meet me.
It's strange that, whatever time - and whatever state - I go to sleep, I wake at 6.30. Today the creak as my eyelids open is deafening. There seems to be a dead toad in my mouth. I stagger to the shower praying for an ultimate fate that's swift, painless and - ideally - someone else's.
The hot water turns into a wadaiko band on my skull and I put my hands up to lessen the pain. Hang on, hair shouldn't be sharp should it? I appear to have grown stalagmites. I'm going to have to risk opening my eyes all the way.
Oh shit. I've turned brown.
Streaks of hardened bilirubinous material cover 70% of my body. Just how drunk was I last night? Is it possible to be so drunk that you... no, the concept's unthinkable. I complete the most thorough shower of my life with thoughts racing. Somewhere in there it occurs to me that the bed must be in a similar state.
Oh shit.
Back in the cabin, Mo sleeps on, snoring righteously in his neatly turned-down bed. My own is less well-presented. Only the pillow is visible, but there are brown stains visible even on that. This isn't looking good. With predictable trepidation I gingerly pull back the sheet.
Oooooh shit. I replace the sheet
What to do? If I can hide it from Mo then that's one embarrassment avoided, but what will the cabin staff think of me? I'm stuck on this ship for another two days yet for God's sake!
Oh-kay. Take it one step at a time. If I can strip the bed and get the sheets into the bath, then all I have to explain is why they're wet. It's not a complete solution, but it's a start. I start to pull off the bedclothes.
And find the chocolate wrapper.
One side effect of last night's anaesthetic is that I forgot that the cabin staff come in each evening to turn back the top sheet and place a huge chocolate truffle on your pillow. Despite a hangover bigger than a darts player's shirt front I love the cleaning people and want their children. In a ship regularly filled with drunks like me, this must be familiar territory for them. I put the wrapper on the pillow where it can't be missed and add some money as a tip along, with a note saying "sorry for the mess".
When Mo wakes he's amused, unhungover and unsympathetic; he makes maximum noise as we head for breakfast. Over the next couple of days I meet the cabin staff in the corridors, and get the distinct feeling that they don't like me very much.
Predictably, the occurrence becomes one of Mohammed's favourite anecdotes and last week he told it to yet another of his business acquaintances who might otherwise have become one of my clients. I mentioned that I seemed to have become unpopular in the remaining days on board the Norwegian Dream.
"Didn't I tell you?" he grinned, "As we left the cabin I took the chocolate wrapper."
The Road to Hell is Paved With Bad Inventions
Well bollocks to that, because everyone should be offended by man's second worst, and most divisive invention: political correctness. The only thing that Orwell got wrong was the year.
The signs were there though, even back in the eighties. My wife banned me from school parents' evenings for getting into a fight with a teacher who wouldn't let me say "blackboard". In answer to his accusation of racism I asked him why he considered black to be bad, and it all went downhill from there.
But our twenty-first century world is threatened by an unholy alliance between political correctness and man's worst invention: religion. God must indeed have infinite patience to tolerate the atrocities we perpetrate in His name. We used to have Crusades and Jihads, now we have institutionalised fear and suspicion.
So our Christmas cards now say "Season's Greetings" in case we offend Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Jedi Knights or other groups who really aren't that upset that Britain contains the occasional Christian.
Last Festive Season I walked into the studio on Festive Season Eve to find everyone wearing Santa hats. Everyone including Javed, a devout Muslim, who'd sent Christmas cards to everyone else in the company. To Javed, Christmas was an important festival commemorating the birth of a great holy man. To the so-called Christians around him it was a good excuse for a piss-up. Whose sensibilities are we protecting here?
We've already proscribed our national flag, and by doing so created a rallying symbol for extremist white twats. Every victory for political correctness strengthens their armoury and brings the Thought Police closer to power.
Yet Another Update
Tom had a further operation to seat the left side of the cerebellum more naturally in its compartment. This had an immediate effect and we've seen a slow but steady improvement since the op. Unless he gets tired, he'll now do the hand squeeze thing whenever we ask, and he's also added nose and eyebrow wiggles, thumbs-up and smile attempts to his repertoire.
The biggest step came on Wednesday when Eva asked Tom to wrinkle his nose, the resulting grimace made us laugh, and Tom responded with something that looked very like a smile.
Slow, slow progress, but it's all in the right direction.
Thursday, 20 December 2007
How's the Boy Coming Along?
Tom in typical Christmas pose - The wasted drunk to his left is elder brother AdamThe return to consciousness hasn't been the eye-flicker, hand twitch and "I'm really thirsty" episode we've all seen on TV. The transition has been all but undetectable. But I think we have to agree that Tom is now conscious. He has difficulty getting control of his eyes, but once he's stopped them rolling around independently he can focus on our faces within a limited field of view. He'll also respond about 50% of the time to a request to squeeze our hands, and some questions are answered with very slight nods or shakes of the head.
Physically he's progressing well and he's now out of Critical Care.
We don't know at this stage how complete his recovery will be, but 100% is still a possibility.
Thank you again for all the wishes, hopes and prayers. You're a splendid bunch.
Saturday, 1 December 2007
The Other Side of the NHS - And a Small Confession
It occurs to me that I need to come clean about Tom's age. Eva and I have been touched and greatly comforted by the daily flow of good wishes, prayers and healing energy that comes in via this blog. I can't thank you enough for that. But then Eva pointed out that you may be under the impression that he's a little boy.
So now I feel a fraud.
Tom's 24. He's foul-mouthed and irreverent, and therefore incredibly funny. He's also one of the sweetest-natured guys you'll ever meet. He lives half a mile away with his partner Laura. One thing I'm looking forward to is the return of a series of sounds that always make us laugh: A car drives up outside. The kitchen door opens. The fridge door opens. We hear rummaging. The fridge door closes. The kitchen door closes. That would be Tom popping in to see us then.
(In fairness, once the comedic effect has settled, he comes and sits in the living room with us until he's digested whatever he's stolen).
Tom's still unconscious, but responding now to requests to squeeze our hands, nod or shake his head. The strongest response so far came when Laura mentioned Jessica Alba. Tom's eyes opened noticeably. Laura commented that she should be offended that JA was granted more reaction than she was, but under the circumstances she'd let him off - as long as she could be involved too. Tom's eyes came fully open, he turned his head and squeezed Laura's hand. We both got the distinct of Joey in Friends nodding and muttering "Coo-ool!"
That's my boy, and he's on his way back.
Tuesday, 27 November 2007
Update
Tom's improving slowly following an operation that turned out to be significantly less straightforward than expected. Put baldly, it looked as if we were going to lose him.
We didn't.
Following the repeated delays of the NHS, the decision was taken to follow the route of private treatment. My unbelievable brother made this possible and, as a result, almost certainly saved Tom's life. The operation was scheduled for Sunday morning under Professor Garth Cruickshank. He discovered an abnormal blood supply to the tumour and made immediate arrangements for transfer to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Birmingham.
Attempts to embolise the tumour were only partially successful, but Prof C's judgement was that it had to be removed, at the risk of a fatal bleed, as leaving it in place was a significantly greater risk. Tom left for surgery at 9.00am. At 9.30pm a visibly exhausted Professor explained that the operation was complete, the tumour excised, and that the next 24 hours would be critical.
We're past that now; Tom's stable and no longer critical. He's still unconscious at the moment, but we're assured that this is normal. In the next few days we should see him back.
I'm sorry about the length of this post, and the fact that it hasn't made you laugh. But the messages of goodwill, healing and prayer that have been coming in from you guys has been unbelievable.
Thank you all.
